A Lying Witch and a Warden/Transcript
Gildersnake: Foolish child! I could swallow you whole! [hisses] Azura: Do not underestimate me, Gildersnake, for I am the Good Witch Azura, warrior of peace! Now eat this, sucker! Gildersnake: No! My only weakness‐‐ dying! Luz: And that's the end. Camilla: The end of what? Luz: My book report. I think I knocked it out of the park. Principal: Your book report is why you're in here. [screaming] Luz: Oh. That's where the backup snakes were. Camilla: And what were you going to do with this? [holds up a firecracker] Luz: That was for the Act Three closer. Camilla: Mija, I love your creativity, but it's gotten out of hand. Do you remember why you were in the principal's office the last three times? Luz: O happy dagger, give me death! [people screaming] Luz: Now for the final anatomically correct touch, spider breath. [people screaming] Luz: You think that's an impressive trick? Take a look at this. Bleep, bloop, bleep! [all screaming] Camilla: We all love that you express yourself, but if you can't learn to separate fantasy from reality, you may need to spend the summer here. Luz: Don't worry, Mom. I won't let you down. No more weirdness! [exclaims, shouts] [snake hisses] Luz: That doesn't count, right? Camilla: Tsk. Oh! Oh, my baby! Now, don't worry. Summer camp is only going to be for three months. You'll be so busy balancing checkbooks and learning to... appreciate public radio, the time will fly by! Luz: But I don't like any of that stuff. I like editing anime clips to music and reading fantasy books with convoluted back‐stories. Camilla: Mija, your fantasy world is holding you back. Do you have any friends? Real ones, not imagined or drawn or reptilian? Summer camp is a chance to make some friends, but you have to try. Can you do that? Luz: Yes, Mom. [phone vibrates] Camilla: Oh. I gotta go to work. [kisses] Camilla: Your bus is coming soon. Text me when you get there. [speaking Spanish] Cuídate mucho, mija. ¡Qué te vaya bien! Luz: Bye, Mom. [gasps] Luz: Where is it? Where is it? [owl hoots] Luz: Tiny trash thief! [panting] [seethes] [hooting] Luz: Stop adorably hopping away, you‐‐ Huh? Whoa. I thought I had a lot of weird stuff. But this‐‐ this is impressive. Woman: Finally, you're back. Luz: [gasps] Eda: Now let's see what we've got here. [gasps] Garbage, garbage... garbage. [gasps] Now, this... This will make me rich. And this... Oh, this'll make good kindling. [gasps] Luz: Excuse me, sorry, it's mine, thank you. Eda: You're not going anywhere. [gasps, grunts] [panting] [gasps] [screeching] Luz: Ahh! [kisses] Luz: Oh, no, no, no, no! What's going on? [shrieks] Luz: Oh, hello, little fairy. Are you going to tell me this is all a fantastical dream? Fairie: ‐Give me your skin! Luz: [screams] Luz: Where am I? Did I die? Am I in the bad place? Eda: You wish. Luz: I'm so sorry! I just wanted my book! And you're gonna eat my skin! Just make it quick! Just do it now! Eda: Eat you? Why would I eat... a potential customer? Can I offer you a human foot filled with holes? A bar of green human candy? Oh, oh! How about this black shadow box that reflects only sadness? Luz: [chuckles] That's not all it can do. Here, let me see it. [dance music playing] Luz: Wha...? Monster #1: Huh? Monster #2: What's that? Monster #3: The sound‐‐ it's so alluring. Monster #1: I'll pay 40 snails for the screaming box! Monster #2: I'll give you a hundred! Monster #3: Can I eat the tiny person inside? [all clamoring] Eda: What did you say your name was? Luz: I'm Luz. Luz Noceda. Eda: Well, Luz, that was pretty clever... for a human. Luz: That's kind of a weird thing for another human to say. Eda: Oh, dear child, I'm not like you. I'm Eda the Owl Lady, the most powerful witch on the Boiling Isles. Luz: A witch? Eda: I am a respected, feared‐‐ Guard #1: Busted! Monster: ‐Run! It's a guard! [all screaming] Guard #1: Eda the Owl Lady, you are wanted for misuse of magic and demonic misdemeanors. Luz: Whoa! Witch criminal! Guard #1: You are hereby ordered to come with me to the Conformatorium. Eda: Would you guys quit following me around? I haven't done squat. Guard #1: And you're coming too... Luz: Aah! Guard #1: ...for fraternizing with a criminal. Luz: Wh‐What? That's not cool! Eda: Oh, all right, all right, you win. Just let me get my stuff. [groans] Eda: Whoops. Can't forget this. Follow me, human. Luz: This is crazy. If I die here, my mom's gonna kill me! Eda: Ha! I won't let 'em hurt you. A human like you is much more valuable to me alive than dead. Luz: Wait. What's that supposed to‐‐ Eda: Whoo‐hoo! Guard #1: You won't get away with this, Owl Lady! Yeah, all right. You did. You got away with it. She got away with it, everybody! Typical. Eda: You can open your eyes now, human. Luz: [whimpers] [gasps] Flying staffs, crazy monsters, you're a witch‐‐ What is this place? Eda: This is the Boiling Isles.Every myth you humans have is caused by a little of our world leaking into yours. [screeches] Luz: A griffin! I knew it! Eda: Yep. Griffins, vampires, giraffes‐‐ Luz: Giraffes? Eda: Oh, yeah. We banished those guys. Bunch of freaks. [exclaims] Eda: Oops. That happens sometimes. Luz: Well, I've had enough adventure for today. This is clearly not the PG fantasy world I always dreamed about, so can you help me get back home? Eda: Only if you help me first. [chuckles] Ah, now, come along, human. Luz: Whoa! [cackles] Luz: Aren't you worried about those guards finding us? Eda: Nope. My house has a state‐of‐the‐art defense system. Hooty: Hoot‐hoot! Password, please! Aah! Eda: We got no time for this, Hooty. Let us in. Hooty: All right, all right! Geez! You never want to have any fun! Ow! Hoot! [retches] [retches, burps] Eda: Welcome to... ‐[snaps fingers] the Owl House... [gasps] Eda: ...where I hide away from the pressures of modern life. Also the cops. Mm, also ex‐boyfriends. [chuckles] Luz: This place is beautiful! Do you live here all alone? ‐[thudding footsteps] Eda: ‐Actually, I have a roommate. King: [deep voice] Who dares intrude upon I, [normal voice] the king of demons? [squeaks] Luz: [gasps, exclaims in Spanish] ¡Ay, que lindo! Eda, he's so cute! Who's a widdle guy? Who's a widdle guy? Is it you? Is it you? King: No! I don't know who your little guy is! Eda, who is this monster? Eda: Oh, this is Luz, the human. She's here to help us with our little... situation. King: Oh! Hooray! Luz: Wait, wait, wait. I don't like the sound of this "situation". Eda: Just... let me explain. King was once a mighty king of demons, until his crown of power was stolen, and he became... this. Luz: You mean this little bundle of joy? Eda: The crown is being held by the evil Warden Wrath and locked away behind a magical force field that only a human can break through‐‐ a human like you. If you help us retrieve his crown, we'll send you back to your realm. So whaddya say? Plus, who could say no to this cute face? King: No! Please don't encourage her! Aah! Eda: I mean, we're kinda your only way home. Luz: So I don't really have a choice, do I? Eda: Nope. Now, we've got no time to lose. [squeaks] King: Soon, Mr. Ducky, we shall drink the fear of those who mocked us. Luz: Where are we going? Eda: Somewhere super fun. [thunderclap] Eda: The Conformatorium, a place for those considered unsuitable for society. Luz: Whoa. These guys really have the hots for you. Eda: Yep. But we were never caught because we're too slippery. King: Try to catch me when I'm covered in grease. I'm a squirmy little fella. Aah! You and I will sneak up to the top of the tower, where they're holding my crown. Eda: And I'm gonna make sure the warden's distracted. Luz: [gasps] Will I need a disguise? Eda: Uh... Luz: I've been waiting to use this. Meow, meow. King: It's hideous. Eda: Oh, you'll fit right in. Hang on tight. Whoa! [gasps] [hoots] Eda: Meet you guys at the top of the tower. [grunting] King: Ha‐ha! Cat's don't do that. [gasps] Girl monster: Hey, cat lady, how'd you get out of your cell? Luz: Oh, no, no, no. I'm not a cat. Also, I'm not a criminal. King: Not yet, you're not. Girl monster: Neither are we. The stupid warden likes to lock people up who don't fit in. Like, I write fanfics of food falling in love. I like food, I like love... Just let me write about it. Eye-eating monster: I'm here because I like eating my own eyes. [gulps] Tiny monster: We are agents of fwee expwession! They will never siwence us! Girl monster: Yeah, she's really big into conspiracy theories. Tiny monster: The world is a simuwation! We are but pwaythings for a higher being! Luz: Wait. These aren't crimes. None of you actually did anything wrong. You're all just a bunch of weirdos. Like me. [thudding footsteps] Girl monster: It's Warden Wrath! Hide! [exclaims] Warden Wrath: I can hear you. [whimpers] Warden Wrath: Just what are you fools whispering about? Ah. The Owl Lady. [snarls] I'll get my hands on her soon enough. Tiny monster: Fight against the oppwessor! We will wesist! We will conquer! We will never be afwaid of you, you old cweep! Hooway! I'm fwee! [gasps] Warden Wrath: Let this be a lesson to all of you. There's no place in society for you if you can't fit in. scream [lock clicks, door slams] Luz: Don't worry. I can get you out. [grunting] Luz: No! My weak nerd arms! Girl monster: Just get out of here while you still can, kid. Enjoy freedom for us. Eda: Hey. I just checked. The warden is distracted, tormenting some tiny creature. He won't be coming around here anytime soon. King: My crown! It's close! I can sense its power! [grunting, exclaiming] Eda: Aw, he gets so cute when he's thirsty for power. Luz: It's not fair that they're all in here. They just want to be themselves. Why does everyone think that being a weirdo is so bad? King: [grunts] [cackling] Eda: Come on, before he hurts himself. [object clangs] King: Ow! [grunts, groans] Eda: We have a human, remember? King: Oh, yeah. Luz: [sighs] Wait a second. Is that a... King: My crown! Yes. Yes! I can feel my powers returning! You, there. Nightmare critter. I shall call you Francois, and you shall be a minion in my army of darkness. Ha‐ha! Luz: That crown doesn't give him any powers, does it? Eda: Uh, no. Oh, look at us, Luz. King and I don't have much in this world. We only have each other. So if that dumb crown is important to him, it's important to me. And besides, us weirdos have to stick together, you know? Well, we owe you one. Now, let's get out of here before the warden finds us and loses his head. Wrath: Too late. [screams] Eda: Ow! Oh, I hate it when that happens. [screams] Luz: Eda! Are you okay? Eda: Yeah. This just happens when you get older. Luz: Does it? Wrath: Finally, I have you cornered, Eda the Owl Lady. King: [exclaims] Wrath: My guards could never get you, but I knew if I took your pet's toy, you'd come running. King: No! My power! [sobs] Eda: What do you want with me? I've never actually broken any of your stupid laws... in front of you. Wrath: I want you... to go out with me. Eda: Wha...? Luz: What? Guard #2: Go, boss! Wrath: You've always eluded our capture. You've always been the one who got away. I found that alluring. Luz: I hate everything you're saying right now. Wrath: You stay out of this! So how about it, Owl Lady? The most powerful witch of the Boiling Isles and the feared Warden Wrath. We'd be the strongest power couple ever. I mean, it's‐‐ it's not like you can say no right now. Luz: [grunting] King: [grunting] Eda: [sighs] All right, Warden. You win. I'd just like to say something first. Come closer. No. Just come a little bit closer. Just... Yeah, that's good. [blows raspberry] [warden exclaims] [gasps] Eda: [laughing] Wrath: Impudent wench! Don't you know how many germs are in your mouth? Ugh! Eda: Get over it. You had your guards stalk me, and then you cut off my head. I am not going out with you. Wrath: If you don't accept, then I have no choice but to des‐‐ [groans] Eda: [chuckles] Nice! Luz: Okay, we're going now. [hoots] Luz: Expecto... flying? Magicus... escapicus! Eda: [grunts]Gun it, magic stick. [exclaims] Wrath: Owl Lady, I won't let you get away again! [exclaiming] Luz: Eda, lend me a hand! [screams] King: Oh, my bones! Eda: Luz... go back to the human world. Luz: What about you guys? King: If you think this guy is bad, you shoulda seen her last boyfriend. Eda: Not my boyfriend. Go! Go! Luz: But‐‐ But I‐‐ [hoots] Luz: [exclaims] [gasping] Luz: Why are you guys just standing there? This is your chance to escape! Eye-eating monster: The warden will catch us. He always does. Girl monster: We belong here. Tiny monster: Self‐doubt is a pwison you can never escape fwom. [prisoners muttering in agreement] Luz: So, you have a different way of doing things, a different way of seeing things. That might make you weird, but it also makes you awesome. Don't you see? Girl monster: Why are you helping us? Luz: Because us weirdos have to stick together. And nobody should be punished for who they are. [all cheering] Luz: Now, let's get 'em! [groans] Wrath: No more running away, Owl Lady. Today I capture you once and for all! King: [whimpers] Luz: Go, go, go, go! [grunts] [prisoners whooping] Eda: Luz? Eye-eating monster: Eat my own eye! Tiny monster: I think the world as a twiangle! Girl monster: And I practice the ancient art of fanfiction! Warden Wrath: You! Who do you think you are? Luz: Do not underestimate me, Warden Wrath, for I am Luz, the human, warrior of peace. [wind howls] Luz: Now eat this, sucker! [grunting] [cheering] King: That was actually one of her better breakups. Eda: Not a breakup. Anyway, let's bounce before any more monsters fall in love with me. Eda: Well, a deal's a deal. ‐Let's get you home. [snaps fingers] Luz: Before I go‐‐ I know it's not the same, but... a king shouldn't be without a crown. King: This shall suffice. You there, plant! You are now under my command. Eda: Oh, and don't forget this. [gasps] Luz: Okay. I know you got your head cut off, and we started some kind of prison riot, but this was the most fun I've ever had. I don't fit in at home. You don't fit in here. If I stay, we could not fit in together. I'm not going back to summer camp. Eda: [chuckles] What's summer camp? What are we talking about here? Luz: I want to stay and become a witch like you and Azura. Eda: What? All right, that's crazy. Humans can't become witches. Luz: Maybe that's because they haven't tried. If you teach me to become a witch, I'll do anything you want. King: Let her stay! [whispers] She can make us snacks. Eda: Well, I could use a hand keeping this goofball out of the cupboards. All right. I'll teach you how to be a witch. But you have to work for me before you learn any spells. Deal? [King grunts] King: Too tight! Too tight! Eda: What's going on? [phone vibrates] [King clears throat] King: Your sleep cocoon looks fluffy. [Luz checks her cell phone] Category:Transcripts Category:Season 1 Category:A to Z Category:A Category:Episodes